i'm restless. i get into these moods periodically, and when i do, i don't remember how i got out of them the last time. i suppose it's an inner struggle to break out of some rut i've gotten into. being so busy lately, i don't know if there's a rut i've gotten into, though. or maybe it's that i'm too busy and not taking enough time for myself. something's gotta change. i know this. visiting my family in california usually helps - i get completely out of my normal routine and do something totally different.
i think a lot of it is that lately i've been ready to get out of this small town. i miss culture, swing dancing, artsy movies, jazz music, museums, plays, symphonies, the nutcracker at christmastime, real restaurants...all of the stuff that comes with living in a city. i'm tired of having everyone i meet be younger than me - of watching barely-adolescent, rail-thin girls running around in hiphugger jeans that are held up only by a miracle.
things are changing lately. perhaps that accounts for some of my restlessness. the priest at my church is retiring. this alone introduces a lot of uncertainty. mom's looking for a new job. worrying about mom and sis and california and the wildfires.
perhaps i need to get out and go camping or something. or go for a walk outside. sometimes i think i'm stuck inside too much during the day - stuck in front of a computer, which is rather ironic as i sit here and type this out. and it's not like people at work force me to stay in. in fact, my boss has told me lots of times that if i want to get out and go for a walk, to do so. i guess i'm just lazy...or maybe gathering strength. i don't know. sometimes it's like i catch a glimpse of something on the horizon of my future. something that might be a lot different from what my life is like right now. it doesn't scare me. i'm looking forward to it, i think.
it's hard being tired and restless all at once. perhaps if i catch up on my sleep i won't feel quite so delirious. that's kind of how i feel. sometimes there's a real clarity...other times i wonder about what's real and what's imagined. and no, i'm not on any kind of drugs or medication - i think just sleep deprived.
all i know is i just want to go outside and scream and run until i collapse. run away...
mood: restless
music: evanescence/fallen