moving is never easy, but trying to move away from a place you've been for so long... i suppose it's a little like being able to go to your own funeral - you start to hear how much people like you and how much they appreciate you. and that was just letting the people at church know i was going.
this is hard. but i know if i don't make this move, i'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. i feel like i've been wondering 'what if' for so long, and now i'm finally getting the chance. i suppose i could look at it like i'm a failure, moving back home and all, but it's not like that. i'm getting a better job and returning to be close to family.
guess i'll have to start caring about how i look when i run to the store again...no telling if i might run into people from high school. ;) kidding. kinda.
and people thought i'd never move back. and i thought i'd never move back. now to find that balcony overlooking the ocean or the bay...and a nice sunset...with jazz music wafting out the windows into the cool night air... (more of this dream...)
this has really been a rather odd vacation. first, you must understand that when i come home, i slip back into the california routine and it's like i never left. i mean, i'm gone for nine months and can go work for a few hours at browar management and know instantly what things are and what's been going on. i suppose it's because i listen to mom and sis talk about it so much. i feel like i lead two lives - the one in texas and the one in california...it's a little disconcerting sometimes.
but this time has been different. they're on their third controller in three months - and she's not working out. i never thought of myself as the accountant type, but wednesday the president of the company sat down with me and practically begged me to move back and take over as controller. he offered to pay for my moving expenses and take care of my apartment lease. wow.
i love texas, but my job is getting on my nerves. my retirement vests on january 15th, so i've really no reason why i have to stay. i've been restless now for a while. i miss my family terribly - i only get to see them twice a year. i have grown to nearly hate college station - i'm tired of small towns. i've always said i'll move from where i am now when i can find a job that will pay to move me. i love challenges, and this is definitely one. i'll have an assistant, with the possibility of having more employees under me as the business grows - which it's going to. the job itself doesn't seem too hard. the computer program does all the real accounting stuff, and i wouldn't be responsible for payroll. mostly it's all about organization and getting things paid on time. i can do that. it isn't technically property management. (i swore i'd never work in property management - i can justify this in my mind. it's really accounting, and i don't have to deal with tenants directly - just the owners.)
so now the tough decision. i'll be leaving nick behind (at least temporarily) and all the friends that i've made back there. i've made out the pro/con list...and the pro side is much much longer. i mean, i can even live with my mom for a few months, pay off all my credit cards with the money that i'd be putting toward rent and car payments (the car payment's finished in january), then find a place to live and start over mostly out of debt. (i don't think i'll be able to pay off the school loans that quickly, but those are manageable.) did i mention there will be a hefty raise along with this new position? :)
decisions...decisions...
but it's nice to be home. and it does feel like home.
it's the last day before a week's much-needed vacation.
i spent this morning pulling apart the scrapbook for the cox wing that the dean asked me to redo. i can't tell you how hard it was for me *not* to steal a picture so that i had something to draw a mustache and horns onto and some teeth to blacken in. but alas, i resisted.
this afternoon, someone sent an email talking about "the goofs at netscape" and how netscape always breaks all the css stuff he tries to do. uh. yeah. i think you have that backwards, there, buddy. my reply:
>Actually, it's the goofs at Microsoft that have it all screwed up for everyone. Mozilla (and presumably Netscape), for the most part, is one of the most standards-compliant browser out there. MS/IE, on the other hand, just does it's own thing - ignoring the W3C and the call for standards adherence to make designers' lives easier.
> At least Mozilla has new updates being released...
> Long live Mozilla! (Anyone else have periodic urges to write a worm to install Mozilla on everyone's machines and set it as default browser? Perhaps losing some market share would shake things up in Redmond.) ;)
obviously the guy's a designer on a pc. granted, so'm i, but at least i have the wherewithall to do a little bit of research on stuff before i go slamming whole groups of people - especially when he seems to have the whole thing backwards. yeah, i've got an ipod and itunes is installed on my pc. you *know* i'm being sucked in. in fact, i'd probably convert if it didn't mean buying all new software. *sigh* macromedia...would you consider a trade-in? windows for mac? (there. i've said it. but you know i tried linux and would go back to it in a heartbeat if i had more time to play...and if macromedia made dreamweaver and stuff for linux...)
but it's less than 24 hours until i leave. am i packed? not even close. of course, i have a list made...and most of my shirts are packed. pants are in the washer or dryer. i have a dress outfit. toiletries are half-packed with all the trial-sized stuff i keep in my suitcase...i just have little stuff to remember to bring - chargers for the phone, palm, ipod...laptop (if i decide i want to lug it around. heavy!)...fiddle (definitely going)...creative memories stuff that i'm taking back to sister and mom...
and of course, i'm supposed to go to dinner tonight with the so and his family...and then to caldwell to look at the redecorating on his aunt's house. looks like it's going to be a late night... oh well. i can sleep on the plane... ;)
mood: semi-grumpy, stomping-around-in-a-mostly-good-natured way
music: dmb/everyday (when the world ends)
i suppose, if you're into monotonous coding types of things. i spent most of this afternoon readying mays business online for its transformation into css-only-ness. which entailed gettting rid of as many span tags as possible and getting to reasonably straight html. it's amazing how far i've come and how much i've learned. some of the stuff i used to do. whew. then again, some of it was how dreamweaver used to work as well. i won't take all the blame! ;)
last night i finally wrapped the table part of the small chairs and converted-stool-to-table. all i have left is the mosaic on top of the table and that part will be finished. other projects: a quilt for the booth (perhaps. i can't seem to get past the choosing-the-fabric stage at the moment), a sumi-e painting for my friend, scrapbook for my 376 key west pictures, more cards, christmas cards... at least i got my dresser finished.
mood: bored, but content
music: chris botti/a thousand kisses deep (yes, still - i don't wear instrumental music into the ground quite as fast since there aren't any words for me to memorize and sing along with)
which is all well and good, mind you, but somehow it seems to me like they're putting the cart before the horse.
as a tech geek, i know that technology can't replace process. i mean, adding technology where there is no process in place to support it just usually makes things worse. when it comes to choosing technology, i think the main problem in that is a group adopting the technology really has no idea what they want - what they're trying to do in the first place. instead, they just kind of let themselves be swayed by whatever seems "cool" at the moment, or what the latest and greatest is. (remember laser discs? yeah, me too.) whether or not it actually solves the problem they're having can't be determined - they haven't defined the problem or figured out what the heck they're trying to automate in the first place.
granted, mays business school has a process in place. we know what we're lacking...where we could be better. for us, adopting this cms (probably vingette) wouldn't be too big of a deal. we have established content creators and editors and graphic designers. there are some colleges and departments that have student workers or grad assistants doing any of the above. they're around for a year, three or four if you happen to get lucky, and then they're gone. no one knows what they did or why they did it. no one is able to support the things that they did, so they're back to square one with the design, code and content. repeat this cycle year after year, and it's no wonder no one can find anything. add into the mix that we're supposed to be ada compliant, and it's just a recipe for disaster, what with all the java applets and gratuitous flash floating around web sites.
they talk about hiring a consultant, and i want to jump up and yell, 'pick me! pick me!' i see where we need to go...and believe me, we have a long way. but we need to set a process in place. train people on the correct way to use html. train them on how to use css. show them how to create ada and small-cell-phone-and-pda-screens compliant web sites.
without the process, the technology does nothing.
i'm not saying that the process i use is the be all to end all. but i think i have a pretty good workflow going. i think the place we fall shortest here is keeping an eye on pages whose information is going out of date. and redesigning the page and nav system for pages that have overstepped their original bounds. but i still have to evaluate the nav system for those pages by hand. i have to conduct focus groups and talk to my audiences. the cms isn't going to create a great, easy to navigate web site by itself. sometimes i have to wonder if the university it putting a little too much faith into what the cms can bring to the table.
(1) it will update things like enrollment numbers automatically. For those that didn't reference the number properly, we can spider for that number and change it to the <whatever makes that number editable from a single place>.
-uh, okay. sounds good. what happens when that number is actually the amount of students in your college. or the amount of money you got in grants last year? how can it spider for something like that and be sure that it's correct? how can you get people to remember to reference the master page for things like that - especially if they're professors who are lucky to know how to use word?
(2) it will create an image repository so /everyone/ can use the pictures!
-um, yeah. what if i don't *want* people using my pictures? what about photo releases and graphic designers' and photographers' rights? i hate to think what the current process looks like, much less throwing things out on the web for a huge free for all.
(3) it'll cook breakfast for us!
-what if i'm a vegetarian? don't like eggs? wheat-intolerant? don't eat breakfast at all? well, maybe not, but you get my drift...
what happened to all the project management and requirements elicitation professors? why don't we get them involved? here they teach us all these great tools - how to determine what you need, how long it'll take to get there...and we aren't even utilizing them, our own resources. hmmm. academia.
i just got my amazon order today - rotary heirloom quilts, the decorated page, and Chris Botti's a thousand kisses deep. i'm not sure why i'm such a fan - probably has something to do with my love of jazz and the fact that, man, can he play!
today feels like friday. i wish it was - would mean that i'd be going home to ca tomorrow. no such luck - then again, i've still got laundry to do, so it's probably a good thing. four days and counting! i'm really ready to go home. mom's cooking...mmmmm..... :) (that would be a happy tummy thinking of mom's cooking...and drooling...)
the past few days have been very lazy days - lots of rain and thunder and lightning.
saturday i was crazy enough to get up early (6am) and go garage sale'ing. i found a four-poster bed for $75 (it's a beautiful mahogany color) - it's much higher than my other bed, so it's strange to have to literally climb into bed. still, i love it. :) we also found a lady who is an interior designer. she was selling a lot of her scrap fabric, and linda and i managed to find a few neat pieces for various projects. saturday afternoon i visited with lillie and helped her unpack a little bit.
sunday after church, i didn't last long - i spent most of the afternoon napping. the soft rain didn't help things. after dinner, i went to bed early.
rained most of today too, which made it cozy to sit in brandon coleman's house with the comm group for our retreat.
still raining, fiddle lesson. it went well, and i learned a new song. needs a lot of work, but at least i'm improving in my sight reading. ;)
Your Life Line reveals that you like to travel, but will always return home. You need a lot of space which is why you prefer spending time outdoors. You tend to have strong romantic tendencies.
Your Head Line reveals that you lack confidence, but have a sense of grievance. You carry a chip on your shoulder, but will vent this emotion through participating in political activities.
Your Heart Line reveals that you have a masculine nature and are easily aroused by your own desires. You are able to maintain a good balance between the physical and emotional sides that accounts for your warm and generous disposition.
Your Fate Line reveals that the early years in your life were full of hard knocks, teaching you that success comes from hard work. Due to this learning process, you will have a late start with your career and financial independance.
Your Sun Line reveals that a love affair or marriage will have a very positive influence on your career. Due to this, you will achieve happiness and material success later in life.
You have an Earth hand. You are a person who is stable, honest, just loyal and cautious. Your optimal career choices are to work as an athlete, artist, musician and laborer.
---
Pretty darn close.
"just to be is a blessing. just to live is holy."
-rabbi abraham herschel
yoga journal's had some good articles lately - here are a couple:
the thought of taking life moment by moment appeals to me right now. sometimes i feel that's all i can handle thinking about.
Yoga Journal : Wisdom : Loving Life's Questions
"For him there is only this moment in which you are either awake or not awake, causing suffering or not for yourself or others; therefore, the most skillful means for finding ultimate freedom is not to focus on some future aim but rather to liberate this moment. And by constantly repeating this process, you will gradually come to reside in freedom without it being anything special." now that sounds like something i might be able to handle, rather then always questing after the nebulous.
Yoga Journal : Wisdom : The Sunny Side of Life
"My mother never stopped looking for the good, even on her deathbed. On the day before she passed away, all the people who came to her bedside to say good-bye were greeted with individually crafted compliments that honored the shri in them. "Oh, what a beautiful blouse you are wearing! You are so lovely and always so finely dressed." Or, "Your smile is so bright, and that certainly reflects your kind heart." Or, "You are so thoughtful and caring. You are a blessing to so many." As a recipient of my mother's praise, each person left her hospital room feeling uplifted about themselves and life. Although many were crying with grief, each was also shimmering from the inside out with an exquisite luster."
the warm weather is back. current temp: 79 degrees. :D
so i went and reopened my business account at the credit union. (why did i ever change??)
i went and settled my account with washington mutual. paid in cash. wanted to close the account. (turns out it was my mistake about the overdraft - i didn't check to see what account was registered with the credit card.) they tell me that the deposit doesn't actually post until tomorrow, so now i have to go back to close my account. how stupid is that?!?
another one...sheesh! i got a notice today that as of nov 4, my bank account is withdrawn again. uh, i haven't used that bank account in nearly two and a half weeks! you can bet that i'll be in the bank monday morning having a word or two with the manager. this is ridiculous!!
despite the fact that it's freaking *cold* outside and i'm here in the office by myself this afternoon, this has been a pretty good day - so long as i stay close by my little space heater. ;)
i think i need to spend this afternoon brainstorming for site designs. i'm pondering some major changes - being able to do them slowly would be a good thing. at some point, i'm hoping to move completely to css. it's just those fly-out menus that are holding me back, really. ie just doesn't render them properly, it seems. oh well. back to creative mode!
whew. splitting server logs - something i thought i'd left behind a loooong time ago, but there were some problems with the commands i was using previously. i had two more sites that hadn't been finished. half the battle was figuring out what i had left. finally, finally, i finished this afternoon. what a relief!
mood: happy :)
music: julie larson/heartpsalm (i surrender all/bride's dance)
i only thought i knew what i was going to wear today when i got up this morning. thankfully i opened the door to put the trash out and found out that it was 20 degrees cooler than it had been the night before. even now at close to 2pm it's only 60 degrees. it's cloudy out too. good weather for snuggling in at home with a good book and some fuzzy slippers. maybe tonight after yoga...
normally, i'm pretty wary of all the theoretical and spiritual teachings that go along with yoga, but this article that i read this evening sums everything up pretty well. makes these ideals seem almost attainable. i especially needed to be reminded that the nonviolence teaching also applies to thoughts, and not just thoughts of or against others, but also how with think of ourselves. i need to be reminded often to be kind to myself.
for the first time, i'm actually doing something big over spring break! mom, sis, and i frantically booked tickets at the last minute for british airways' $100-one-way special. we're flying into london, but since we've been there before, i don't know that we'll be staying there. i'm hoping we get to do a bit of touring - maybe scotland or ireland. one thing's for sure - talk about a rushed, last minute decision. i didn't even get a chance to mention to the so...hope he's not too upset with me. ;)
(later note - he took it alright. didn't seem too upset, but then again, mom, sis, and i are prone to take off on international vacations. usually, though, they're a little more pre-planned...)
i feel like i finally made some progress on the dresser i've been working on for the booth. a coat or two of green paint and i should be good to go. need to reattach the back, put the legs back on, coat o'varnish...and decoupage the top with some vintage orchid botanical prints. oh. and do something with the hardware. haven't decided what yet.
this evening was a bit more relaxed than past ones. watched a bit of hgtv (i'm so hooked!) in between coats of paint and dinner. before that i practiced fiddle - learned miller's reel last night. it's inspired me to practice again. i love that song.
the restless feeling's extended to my job. my goal's to be in a new job in two years, whatever that may mean. i've had it to *here* with my grandboss - the dean. my direct boss is wonderful, but with the dean overriding all decisions that we make and designs that we do...my life is nothing less than frustrating. i don't have to live like this. i don't *want* to live like this! if i could support myself with freelance jobs, you'd better believe i would. losing benefits would be the only thing holding me back...
mood: tired, but much improved after lots and lots of ranting today (sorry to everyone whose ears i talked/typed off today!!)
music: nickel creek/this side (i should've known better)
granted, they don't have my witty comments, but you can preview all the pictures i took in key west in my snapfish photo album - http://www.snapfish.com/share/p=98941067960682646/l=20092047 (beware - there are a ton of them, so the page may take a long time to load)
eventually, they'll make it to the photography section - the last day's photos are already there.
corybantic (kor-i-BAN-tik) adjective
Wild; frenzied; uncontrolled.
[After Corybant, an ancient priest of Phrygian goddess Cybele, who performed wild ecstatic dances in her worship.]
i'm restless. i get into these moods periodically, and when i do, i don't remember how i got out of them the last time. i suppose it's an inner struggle to break out of some rut i've gotten into. being so busy lately, i don't know if there's a rut i've gotten into, though. or maybe it's that i'm too busy and not taking enough time for myself. something's gotta change. i know this. visiting my family in california usually helps - i get completely out of my normal routine and do something totally different.
i think a lot of it is that lately i've been ready to get out of this small town. i miss culture, swing dancing, artsy movies, jazz music, museums, plays, symphonies, the nutcracker at christmastime, real restaurants...all of the stuff that comes with living in a city. i'm tired of having everyone i meet be younger than me - of watching barely-adolescent, rail-thin girls running around in hiphugger jeans that are held up only by a miracle.
things are changing lately. perhaps that accounts for some of my restlessness. the priest at my church is retiring. this alone introduces a lot of uncertainty. mom's looking for a new job. worrying about mom and sis and california and the wildfires.
perhaps i need to get out and go camping or something. or go for a walk outside. sometimes i think i'm stuck inside too much during the day - stuck in front of a computer, which is rather ironic as i sit here and type this out. and it's not like people at work force me to stay in. in fact, my boss has told me lots of times that if i want to get out and go for a walk, to do so. i guess i'm just lazy...or maybe gathering strength. i don't know. sometimes it's like i catch a glimpse of something on the horizon of my future. something that might be a lot different from what my life is like right now. it doesn't scare me. i'm looking forward to it, i think.
it's hard being tired and restless all at once. perhaps if i catch up on my sleep i won't feel quite so delirious. that's kind of how i feel. sometimes there's a real clarity...other times i wonder about what's real and what's imagined. and no, i'm not on any kind of drugs or medication - i think just sleep deprived.
all i know is i just want to go outside and scream and run until i collapse. run away...
mood: restless
music: evanescence/fallen
i guess i did something to my good knee when i fell (of course) as today i'm limping about. i'm thankful that i'm walking, though. :)
limping's making me move slower. as i was walking down the hall at work, it brought to mind a book series i read when i was much younger - the mrs. piggle-wiggle series. one of the stories has her giving 'slow down powder' to the parents of a girl who was always in a hurry - so much so that this girl poked holes in her socks when putting them on and knocked stuff over when trying to get places at a run. is this my slow-down powder? perhaps. i've been going at life lately at full-run. maybe i'm being told to slow it down a bit.
i'm obeying.
mood: mellow
music: simon & garfunkel/old friends (7 o'clock news-silent night)
this evening's thought:
"content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor." -benjamin franklin
mood: mellow
music: dana glover/maybe
it's a good thing my mom didn't have a sense of irony and make my middle name "grace" - she's kind of klutzy...so'm i. case in point today, when i fell down the stairs at church and skinned up my knee and ankle. i think i'll take a nap instead of dancing. i'm afraid of what i might do to myself if i tried to dance when i'm in a klutzy mood. :p
cleaning out my study - rearranging to fit a set of drawers that i just bought. while putting away a stack of stationery, i ran across a set of letters from an old friend/boyfriend. read them all. still kinda sad that he found someone else and got married. why is it that happens to me? someone i think (and in some cases, everyone else too) is perfect turns around and marries someone else. guess i just keep trusting God on this one. he's got a plan that i don't know about.
mood: nostalgic
music: steve tyrell/standard time
i love all saints' day. tomorrow we sing parts of fauré's requiem inset into the church service. guess whatever i may do today, i should be listening to it - even though i proved i knew it two weeks ago by singing the soprano part by myself in practice, i wasn't there last week to pick up any last minute directions. :)
for the record, i want a sung mass at my funeral - fauré's requiem. fitting, i think, for my love of music.
it's been a long day of not really wanting to work. i thought about going to houston to go swing dancing, but when i got home it was raining and i was tired. facing a two hour drive suddenly didn't seem appealing. instead, i made five gallons of mulled cider for tomorrow's open house at yesteryears. wow. i had forgotten how much sugar goes into it...and how sweet it is. still good, though, even if it can put you in diabetic shock. ;)
customer service?
creative memories can't seem to remember to put my apartment number on my packages. wonder how i'll get *that* straightened out?
catching up
after the open house tomorrow, i guess i'll catch up on stuff at home. work email wasn't too bad, but the snail mail sure has piled up. and then there are all the sticky dishes from the mulled cider. :) oh well! the price you pay for vacation and such.
i also came back wanting a change. not sure what that change will be...but i have some ideas for the apartment, including making new pillows for the couch (the old ones look like triangles now from the side), changing up some of the colors in the living room, and moving/removing some stuff from the bedroom.
oh, i suppose i should practice the fiddle some this weekend too. i have a lesson on monday. time flies!
i always find it odd when random people post comments. maybe i should add a field of 'how did you find my web site?' i've asked before - sometimes my pages come up in searches - like for bettas. (that one was odd - it led to a religious debate with a jehovah's witness. i'm always up for a discussion with people, but it was a little annoying that the person got a little snippy with me when i had to go and work the msc open house for the swing cats. but that's another story.) some people i know - andrea's my cousin, and we keep up with each other through our blogs. (isn't technology wonderful?) others...i wonder. sean - who are you? ;)